People, it’s been too long. Far, far too long.
@inspector-g and I have finally been released from our decade plus long prison stint. Although we were released prior to completing our sentenced terms, we’re both rehabilitated followers of the Quran and are mostly confident that we wont again fall into victim to the ritualized deviant behavior and moral turpitude that nearly led to our undoing.
The years bygone are too vast for any catching up, so we’re gonna jump right into the deep end of the (cess) pool. Without further ado, we’re going to med school for some cranial anatomy. In our first lesson, we’ll be examining the brains of a few rival fanbases that are generally peckerheads.
To understand how the mind works, you’ve gotta know the parts that make up the brain.
First stop: the cerebellum. It’s responsible for coordination and balance. It’s also responsible for muscle memory. Muscle memory is what makes your butthole clench up when you drive past an old abandoned cabin and you have those flashbacks involving Uncle McTouchy.
Next stop: the hippocampus. The hippocampus is responsible for memory, learning, and spatial awareness. Spatial awareness is what made you pause and think before looking into that waist high hole in the bathroom stall of the Phenix City BP station on that regrettable trip to PCB.
Finally, let’s visit the amygdala. The amygdala is responsible for emotions and aggression. It’s also responsible for the fight-or-flight response. This is the part of your brain that made Uncle McTouchy do that thing you don’t like, but maybe kinda like (we aren’t judging).
Alabama
Also known as a Gumper, you’ll find the most neural activity in the amygdala of a bama brain. The torrent of emotions and aggression that envelop a gumper on a near daily basis could drive most people to lunacy. Their emotional rollercoaster is fueled by a mix of sibling love and a burning desire to win.
Imagine a family gathering where the air is thick with the smell of squirrel stew and the sound of banjos (I think the gen Z’ers actually prefer ukulele’s) playing in the background. Cousins flirtatiously eyeing each other while discussing their favorite AJ McCarron chest tattoo, hoping to lure one another to a Flora-Bama Sucky Fucky. Gumpers do, in fact, eat where they shit.
Florida
Housed in the hippocampus, a core memory of the gator fan involves that one time they entered their car into race wars. There wasn’t a mopar or a spoon engine in that thing.
This memory is often top of mind, leading to an empty-eyed rapist gaze while assisting a certified forklift operator (they aren’t the ones who are certified).
Georgia Tech
Cerebellum: The most prominent feature of a yellow jacket brain is its uncanny mastery of the muscle memory shown below. We aren’t exactly sure how they procreate, but suspect they’re lab grown and given names like “Scout.”
Bonus: Ohio State
It’s difficult to analyze this one. There aren’t so much distinctive parts of this magnificent organ, rather a smooth and wrinkle free slop bucket filled with gray matter and the unrealistic idea that Ohio is not the 52nd worst state behind DC and Puerto Rico.
On a closing note…
RIP to a dear friend of the blog, Kenny Rogers. We’ll be releasing gambling picks from his personal memoirs over the course of this season.